Sunday, September 06, 2009
Obama's New 8 Hour School Day Schedule
08:00 Pledge of Allegiance to Cuban Flag
08:05 Prayer (to Obama)
08:10 Goose Stepping to the oldies
08:30 Listen to Streisand Tunes.
09:00 Fun with Uncle Mao and Brother Stalin!
10:00 Phys Ed, White kids pick cotton, everyone else whips them.
10:30 Sing 'Dear Leader' to picture of Obama,
11:00 Yoga and Yogurt
11:15 How Global Warming will help bring down Capitalism.
12:00 Lunch - The children are to steal White kids lunch money as wealth redistribution.
12:30 Europe and how they are better than us.
13:00 Eat Algae to reduce your Carbon Footprint.
13:30 Teaching Union workers to intimidate Americans
13:45 Save the Whales by killing Fisherman.
14:00 How to get ahead by blaming Bush
14:30 Religious book burning
14:45 White Guilt and it's benefits.
15:00 Daily Quiz - Minorities get a free 20 points for not being White.
15:15 Tax Evasion for beginners
15:30 Whining to Get Ahead
15:45 Why Freedom of speech is only for us.
16:00 Extra Credit - Watch Oprah.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Hey Obama! Leave those Kids Alone
Obama: Boys I wanna make a statement to the kids of America. I want to speak directly to them.
Communist Czar #1: Fine Mr. President, do you want us to set up a press conference?
Obama: No, that wont do. I need to get them where their parents wont hear what I have to say.
Communist Czar #2: OK, maybe we could go to the Cartoon Channel or Nickelodeon?
Obama: No, no, then I’d have to deal with those FCC regulations.
Communist Czar #1: Mr. President, you’re not going to swear or do anything obscene right?
Obama: Oh no, nothing like that. I just want them to hear my words in a friendly atmosphere. Someplace where there are as few thoughtful adults as possible.
Communist Czar #1: How about moveon.org?
Obama: No, still too risky. How about I broadcast a speech directly into the schools? That way, the only adults who would hear it are teachers. They like us, right?
Communist Czar #2: Oh yes, Mr. President.
Communist Czar #1: Almost as much as trial lawyers.
Obama: Cool. Let’s set it up.
Communist Czar #2: Mr. President, I’m a little concerned with the content of your message. What is the theme?
Obama: Well, I’ve tried to sell my healthcare to their parents for a few months now and as amazing as it seems, the old Obama magic doesn’t seem to be working on them. All of these angry people at the town hall meetings are killing me. The usual blame-it-on-Bush stuff isn’t working. Not even the CIA inquiry. I’m going to have to think outside of the box on this one,
Communist Czar #1: Don’t blame yourself sir, it’s a hard thing to sell.
Communist Czar #2: Yes, we couldn’t get it passed before the recess and now people have had time to read it.
Obama: Yeah, I knew that would be a problem. So I am going to talk directly to the kiddies.
Communist Czar #2: Do you really think they will have an influence in this debate.
Obama: Now, I just want to tell them about the town hall meetings.
Communist Czar #1: Do you expect them to show up and stage a youth oriented counter demonstration for healthcare?
Obama: No, I just want to ask them to hide their parents car keys. Or maybe lie about having a soccer meet or something like that.
Communist Czar #2: So you want them to try to prevent the parents from attending the town hall meeting?
Obama: Well, that and suggest that Santa Claus likes Socialism… I’m just brain storming here guys.
Communist Czar #1: I see the angle. How about we tell them there is a monster under their beds that will eat them if they don’t insist on socialized medicine?
Communist Czar #2: Don’t we have to worry about their teachers?
Obama: Are you kidding, they are all NEA. We could tell the kids to poison their parents and the teachers would go along. But let’s save that for when things get really desperate. Could we get endorsements from some of their favorite celebrities like Scooby Doo and the Power Puff girls.
Communist Czar #2: Those are cartoons sir.
Obama: I know, but maybe we can lean on them a little. Threaten them with audits. Maybe we can take Spongebob hostage?
Communist Czar #2: Sir, I think we need to be a little more subtle.
Communist Czar #1: OK, OK, how about we show them how well Socialized medicine is working in Cuba and France?
Obama: Excellent. Let’s have some animators create a cartoon character. A Hammer and a sickle named Marxie. Marxie shows us how the bourgeois is exploiting the proletariats through a medical system that provides disproportionate health care to the rich.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, that sounds a little too close to Communism.
Obama: Are you kidding, these kids don’t even know what that is. They are all born after 1989! That don’t even know what an 8 track is let alone a collectivist system of government devolving into an oligarchy.
Communist Czar #1: I say we go back to the poison idea.
Obama: Yeah, these people need universal healthcare. They need it no matter what the price. Even if I have to kill most of them to show them how important universal healthcare is. Let’s talk about poisons.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, most Americans have healthcare and 85% are satisfied with it.
Obama: But it is uneven healthcare. Some people have none and some people have too much. We have to spread it around. I’d rather 100% of the people have crappy healthcare than for most to have good healthcare. That’s equality. That is fairness. A classless society based upon equal access and equal suffering, regardless of race, wealth or influence.
Communist Czar #1: But we get to keep our health insurance right?
Obama: Of course, we’re no idiots. My plan is for stupid people. Fuck that shit. If I really believed this crap I wouldn’t be flying around in a helicopter, would I?
Communist Czar #2: Oh thank God.
Obama: Hey! Watch that God talk stuff in here! I can’t wait until we get this damn thing passed. Fucking Sarkozy and that English idiot have been busting my balls over it. (In a falsetto) Haw Haw, why don’t chu Ameericans have equal healthcare? You Americans are so stew peed! I’m tired of them acting so cool and bragging about all of the control they have over people because of the healthcare.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, that reminds me, Sarkozy wants us to make an appointment for him at John’s Hopkin’s to have a Cat Scan. He may have cancer and he doesn’t trust his doctors.
Communist Czar #1: Fine Mr. President, do you want us to set up a press conference?
Obama: No, that wont do. I need to get them where their parents wont hear what I have to say.
Communist Czar #2: OK, maybe we could go to the Cartoon Channel or Nickelodeon?
Obama: No, no, then I’d have to deal with those FCC regulations.
Communist Czar #1: Mr. President, you’re not going to swear or do anything obscene right?
Obama: Oh no, nothing like that. I just want them to hear my words in a friendly atmosphere. Someplace where there are as few thoughtful adults as possible.
Communist Czar #1: How about moveon.org?
Obama: No, still too risky. How about I broadcast a speech directly into the schools? That way, the only adults who would hear it are teachers. They like us, right?
Communist Czar #2: Oh yes, Mr. President.
Communist Czar #1: Almost as much as trial lawyers.
Obama: Cool. Let’s set it up.
Communist Czar #2: Mr. President, I’m a little concerned with the content of your message. What is the theme?
Obama: Well, I’ve tried to sell my healthcare to their parents for a few months now and as amazing as it seems, the old Obama magic doesn’t seem to be working on them. All of these angry people at the town hall meetings are killing me. The usual blame-it-on-Bush stuff isn’t working. Not even the CIA inquiry. I’m going to have to think outside of the box on this one,
Communist Czar #1: Don’t blame yourself sir, it’s a hard thing to sell.
Communist Czar #2: Yes, we couldn’t get it passed before the recess and now people have had time to read it.
Obama: Yeah, I knew that would be a problem. So I am going to talk directly to the kiddies.
Communist Czar #2: Do you really think they will have an influence in this debate.
Obama: Now, I just want to tell them about the town hall meetings.
Communist Czar #1: Do you expect them to show up and stage a youth oriented counter demonstration for healthcare?
Obama: No, I just want to ask them to hide their parents car keys. Or maybe lie about having a soccer meet or something like that.
Communist Czar #2: So you want them to try to prevent the parents from attending the town hall meeting?
Obama: Well, that and suggest that Santa Claus likes Socialism… I’m just brain storming here guys.
Communist Czar #1: I see the angle. How about we tell them there is a monster under their beds that will eat them if they don’t insist on socialized medicine?
Communist Czar #2: Don’t we have to worry about their teachers?
Obama: Are you kidding, they are all NEA. We could tell the kids to poison their parents and the teachers would go along. But let’s save that for when things get really desperate. Could we get endorsements from some of their favorite celebrities like Scooby Doo and the Power Puff girls.
Communist Czar #2: Those are cartoons sir.
Obama: I know, but maybe we can lean on them a little. Threaten them with audits. Maybe we can take Spongebob hostage?
Communist Czar #2: Sir, I think we need to be a little more subtle.
Communist Czar #1: OK, OK, how about we show them how well Socialized medicine is working in Cuba and France?
Obama: Excellent. Let’s have some animators create a cartoon character. A Hammer and a sickle named Marxie. Marxie shows us how the bourgeois is exploiting the proletariats through a medical system that provides disproportionate health care to the rich.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, that sounds a little too close to Communism.
Obama: Are you kidding, these kids don’t even know what that is. They are all born after 1989! That don’t even know what an 8 track is let alone a collectivist system of government devolving into an oligarchy.
Communist Czar #1: I say we go back to the poison idea.
Obama: Yeah, these people need universal healthcare. They need it no matter what the price. Even if I have to kill most of them to show them how important universal healthcare is. Let’s talk about poisons.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, most Americans have healthcare and 85% are satisfied with it.
Obama: But it is uneven healthcare. Some people have none and some people have too much. We have to spread it around. I’d rather 100% of the people have crappy healthcare than for most to have good healthcare. That’s equality. That is fairness. A classless society based upon equal access and equal suffering, regardless of race, wealth or influence.
Communist Czar #1: But we get to keep our health insurance right?
Obama: Of course, we’re no idiots. My plan is for stupid people. Fuck that shit. If I really believed this crap I wouldn’t be flying around in a helicopter, would I?
Communist Czar #2: Oh thank God.
Obama: Hey! Watch that God talk stuff in here! I can’t wait until we get this damn thing passed. Fucking Sarkozy and that English idiot have been busting my balls over it. (In a falsetto) Haw Haw, why don’t chu Ameericans have equal healthcare? You Americans are so stew peed! I’m tired of them acting so cool and bragging about all of the control they have over people because of the healthcare.
Communist Czar #2: Sir, that reminds me, Sarkozy wants us to make an appointment for him at John’s Hopkin’s to have a Cat Scan. He may have cancer and he doesn’t trust his doctors.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Obama's Delima with the passing of Ted Kennedy
1st Aide: Sir, we’ve just received word from Hyannisport than Sen Kennedy is on his last legs. He is not expected to make it through the night.
Obama: Say WHAT?!
2nd Aide: Unfortunately, it’s true sir. Our doctors have looked at the data and they confirm the prognosis.
Obama: Hey guys, I aint trying to hear that ok. Between these crazy old people in the town hall meetings and my approval numbers Kennedy dropping out on me now is unacceptable.
1st Aide: I know sir. We have had a rough August.
2nd Aide: I agree, but there is little we can do about this.
Obama: Look gentlemens, I need that fat bastard up and around. I need him to make one last triumphant entry into the Senate chamber to rouse enthusiasm for our Healthcare plan. You guys guaranteed me he’d last until November. OK, so I’m holding you to it.
2nd Aide: Sir, we all thought he would make it. It is disappointing.
1st Aide: Not even MSNBC can help us with this one. Unfortunately, the Senator is too sick to leave bed. He’s in a coma now.
Obama: Aw no. No no no no no. You guys are going to fix this.
1st Aide: Sir, he is currently bleeding from the mouth and convulsing. I have been told that he will not regain consciousness.
Obama: No, you punks are going to get me Kennedy. You are going to have him walk into the Senate chamber, give a thumbs up and then the sucker could die on the floor for all I care.
2nd Aide: That would be very dramatic. And it would be a fitting end for the Liberal Lion. Dying on the floor of the Senate.
1st Aide: Guys it’s much worse than that. The man is pretty much dead right now. It’s just a matter of time.
Obama: Wheel the son of a bitch in in a wheelchair. We could put sticks on his arms like they do with those muppets.
1st Aide: Sir, I acknowledge we really need Senator Kennedy right now. Even his appearance at the Senate would be a great symbol for our Healthcare take over bill. But the man can’t do it. Let’s just let him die in peace.
Obama: What about the Disneyland guys?
1st Aide: Sir?
Obama: Those animatronic guys. We could hire them to hook up some gizmos and have Kennedy walk around and such. Hell, I saw them do it to Lincoln in that thing in Orlando.
2nd Aide: You mean you want us to take the senator’s dead body and let engineers apply cybernetic devices that would enable the Senator to walk into the chamber?
Obama: And give the thumbs up. Hell they could even make him talk. They can use the same voice that that Stephen Hawkings guy uses. The black hole guy. Allah! Do I have to think of everythings with you people?!
1st Aide: Sir, let’s look at this from another angle. After he dies, you could deliver a rousing eulogy. You could use the Teleprompter to rally the troops.
2nd Aide: Yes, we could even name the bill after Senator Kennedy.
Obama: You want to call it Chappaquidick Care? Man, you guys are stupid! Get Disney on the phone! Unfreeze the main guy if you haves to. I want to have a Robo-Kennedy ready to go within 72 hours. Make it happen.
2nd Aide: Sir, there are other issues. For instance, his family and the doctors will know the truth. I don’t think we could guarantee their silence. Plus, dead bodies smell.
Obama: Just splash some Brut on him. Hell the old fart wore it all the time anyway.
1st Aide: Sir, I know our Healthcare control bill is having trouble, but I just cant see how parading a dead body into the Senate, splashing cologne on it and using it like a muppet to give a thumbs up is going to help stop the public from rejecting our bill.
Obama: BUSH!
2nd Aide: Sir?
Obama: Bush, motherfucka! You bastards used to work for Bush didn’t ya?
2nd Aide: What?
Obama: Say What again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you motherfucka! Say What one more time?
1st Aide: Sir, we have been your aides for the last 5 years. We never worked for the Bush family.
Obama: Does he look like a bitch?
2nd Aide: What?
Obama takes out a gun and shoots the 2nd aide.
Obama: Does George Bush look like a bitch!
1st aide: Oh no, not again. (Speaking into cell phone) yeah, he did it again. Please get the medics to the oval office. Sir, you are not Samuel L. Jackson.
Obama: Unless you get me a RoboKennedy I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.
2nd Aide: That crazy idiot shot me!
1st Aide: Medics are on the way.
Obama: And you will know I AM OBAMA when I lay my vengeance upon THEE!
Obama: Say WHAT?!
2nd Aide: Unfortunately, it’s true sir. Our doctors have looked at the data and they confirm the prognosis.
Obama: Hey guys, I aint trying to hear that ok. Between these crazy old people in the town hall meetings and my approval numbers Kennedy dropping out on me now is unacceptable.
1st Aide: I know sir. We have had a rough August.
2nd Aide: I agree, but there is little we can do about this.
Obama: Look gentlemens, I need that fat bastard up and around. I need him to make one last triumphant entry into the Senate chamber to rouse enthusiasm for our Healthcare plan. You guys guaranteed me he’d last until November. OK, so I’m holding you to it.
2nd Aide: Sir, we all thought he would make it. It is disappointing.
1st Aide: Not even MSNBC can help us with this one. Unfortunately, the Senator is too sick to leave bed. He’s in a coma now.
Obama: Aw no. No no no no no. You guys are going to fix this.
1st Aide: Sir, he is currently bleeding from the mouth and convulsing. I have been told that he will not regain consciousness.
Obama: No, you punks are going to get me Kennedy. You are going to have him walk into the Senate chamber, give a thumbs up and then the sucker could die on the floor for all I care.
2nd Aide: That would be very dramatic. And it would be a fitting end for the Liberal Lion. Dying on the floor of the Senate.
1st Aide: Guys it’s much worse than that. The man is pretty much dead right now. It’s just a matter of time.
Obama: Wheel the son of a bitch in in a wheelchair. We could put sticks on his arms like they do with those muppets.
1st Aide: Sir, I acknowledge we really need Senator Kennedy right now. Even his appearance at the Senate would be a great symbol for our Healthcare take over bill. But the man can’t do it. Let’s just let him die in peace.
Obama: What about the Disneyland guys?
1st Aide: Sir?
Obama: Those animatronic guys. We could hire them to hook up some gizmos and have Kennedy walk around and such. Hell, I saw them do it to Lincoln in that thing in Orlando.
2nd Aide: You mean you want us to take the senator’s dead body and let engineers apply cybernetic devices that would enable the Senator to walk into the chamber?
Obama: And give the thumbs up. Hell they could even make him talk. They can use the same voice that that Stephen Hawkings guy uses. The black hole guy. Allah! Do I have to think of everythings with you people?!
1st Aide: Sir, let’s look at this from another angle. After he dies, you could deliver a rousing eulogy. You could use the Teleprompter to rally the troops.
2nd Aide: Yes, we could even name the bill after Senator Kennedy.
Obama: You want to call it Chappaquidick Care? Man, you guys are stupid! Get Disney on the phone! Unfreeze the main guy if you haves to. I want to have a Robo-Kennedy ready to go within 72 hours. Make it happen.
2nd Aide: Sir, there are other issues. For instance, his family and the doctors will know the truth. I don’t think we could guarantee their silence. Plus, dead bodies smell.
Obama: Just splash some Brut on him. Hell the old fart wore it all the time anyway.
1st Aide: Sir, I know our Healthcare control bill is having trouble, but I just cant see how parading a dead body into the Senate, splashing cologne on it and using it like a muppet to give a thumbs up is going to help stop the public from rejecting our bill.
Obama: BUSH!
2nd Aide: Sir?
Obama: Bush, motherfucka! You bastards used to work for Bush didn’t ya?
2nd Aide: What?
Obama: Say What again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you motherfucka! Say What one more time?
1st Aide: Sir, we have been your aides for the last 5 years. We never worked for the Bush family.
Obama: Does he look like a bitch?
2nd Aide: What?
Obama takes out a gun and shoots the 2nd aide.
Obama: Does George Bush look like a bitch!
1st aide: Oh no, not again. (Speaking into cell phone) yeah, he did it again. Please get the medics to the oval office. Sir, you are not Samuel L. Jackson.
Obama: Unless you get me a RoboKennedy I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger.
2nd Aide: That crazy idiot shot me!
1st Aide: Medics are on the way.
Obama: And you will know I AM OBAMA when I lay my vengeance upon THEE!
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