Senator Kennedy Bashes President Bush for Outsourcing Torture.

Senator Kennedy took to the Senate floor and unleashed a blistering speech accusing the Bush Administration of sending American jobs overseas by outsourcing the torturing of foreign terrorists.

“It has become obvious to me that this Republican administration does not care about American jobs. “ Why are we sending our captured terrorists to be tortured to India or Mexico when they could be torutred by Americans? We need to keep American jobs in America.”

White House spokesman, Scott McClellen explained the Bush administrations reasons for outsourcing torture. “it’s a simple matter of economics. Having Indians and Mexicans torture terrorists just makes good economic sense. These people work much cheaper than American torturers and their countries have a long and distinguished background in political torturing.

When asked if he thought foreign torturers were as good as American torturers he responded, “They are in the same league. But the fact of the matter is you can get an Indian torturer to work much more cheaply. This is partially because of the economies of scale the fact that American torturers must be in a union. Foreign torturers work more cheaply. They do not require Health insurance or pension plans. We did an cost analysis pitting American torturers versus the torturers from other countries. It costs the United States over 15, 000 dollars per suspect when you use American labor. In India, it costs 3 biscuits and a quart of dirty drinking water. You just can’t fight those numbers. Mexican torturers work just as cheaply, plus they can pick celery during the off-season.”

Senator Kennedy did not accept this reasoning. “Every day, I see Americans out of work and I wonder to myself, how many of those people have been trained by our government to torture people? Why can’t we give our American torturers the chance that they deserve? This country was built upon the sweat of American torturers and I do not want to see this fine tradition end just so George Bush can save a few dollars when he electrocutes an Arab.”

Scott McClellan is philosophical about the change. “People like Senator Kennedy can’t have it both ways. They want us to keep the country safe and yet they want us to reduce the deficit and be more aware of government spending. I’d love to give the torturing responsibilities back to American workers, but we stand to save millions by having our Mexican and Hindu allies beat the truth out of terrorists.”